Attachment to Clarity

You know the song Clarity by Zedd that talks about fighting fear for a selfish pain/ 'cause you are a piece of me I wish I didn't need/if our love is tragedy why are you my remedy?

"Clarity" is the ultimate anthem for painful magnetic relationships. It captures that exhausting, dizzying loop of trying to break up and being pulled back in, where two people know they don't work for each other but they simply cannot stay away.

Ironically I first heard this song while on a date with an ex in which our relationship mirrored this dynamic exactly. It became our theme song long after we broke up (and after the second time we broke up too). It was actually painful to listen to for a long time.

We know this about me (I talk about it often): I'm an ENFJ. I love passionately and intentionally. I tend to carry more than my share of the emotional load in relationships. But it's deeper than this. This "Clarity" level of codependency comes from attachment trauma (childhood trauma or past relational trauma).

Here's the interesting science lesson. Attachment trauma physically rewires the brain's reward centers. In an unhealthy relationship where the other person provides intermittent reinforcement, affection and safety are given completely unpredictably. This triggers massive spikes of cortisol (stress) followed by floods of dopamine and oxytocin (pleasure) when the partner finally engages positively. The "remedy" is literally a biological hit. The brain becomes physically addicted to the relief of the reconciliation/attention/validation, mistaking the end of the stressful feeling for "love."

Psychology talks about how we often reenact past traumas as a means to fix them, ie. maybe this time we can change how it ends. It's about believing that if we can finally make this person love us securely, it will retroactively heal the original wound. It is an emotional suicide mission because you cannot fix a broken foundation by building a house on it.

Loss has a way of waking up attachment wounds we thought we had long since outgrown. When we experience a significant loss, whether it’s the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, a betrayal, or even a major life transition, the nervous system often doesn’t compartmentalize it neatly. It can reactivate older fears of abandonment, rejection, instability, or disconnection that were never fully resolved.

In that state, the attachment system becomes more sensitive. We may find ourselves thinking about old relationships, longing for people from our past, becoming preoccupied with connection, or feeling disproportionately affected by ambiguity and distance. The intensity can feel like it’s about the present moment, when in reality the present loss is touching something much older.

But what I’ve learned since that unhealthy relationship (and a few more subsequent ones) is that intensity is not the same thing as love/care. And that my nervous system can confuse familiarity, urgency, and relief for connection.

The work is learning to notice being in that loop and letting things stay unclear long enough for the intensity to settle into truth.

A long steady romantic relationship definitely helps, but I still get triggered. The difference now is not that the pattern disappeared, but I can recognize it while it's happening.