There have been many books written regarding the psychological differences between males and females. Although I think most people recognize that men and women are very different, in some ways we sometimes think that the other gender is just a different version of us. But women are not just prettier, more emotional men, and men are not egotistical stoic women.
You can read R' Aharon Feldman's The River, The Kettle and The Bird to learn about "understanding the different natures of male and female, controlling anger and criticism, fostering love, giving and gratitude." John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books share "a practical and proven way for men and women to improve their communication by acknowledging the differences between their needs, desires, and behaviors"
Alison Armstrong, author of In Sync With the Opposite Sex, Making Sense of Men, Understanding Women and other such books/workshops writes about how each gender has different realities. Because this is true, and many people don't understand this, we treat the opposite gender based on specific expectations and thus in a way that causes them to treat us poorly. Clearly, this gets in the way of having a mutually satisfying relationship.
For example, Armstrong relates that most men are driven by duty, honor, and obligation. Many women don't understand what this means and assume that men make decisions based on the same things that women do, to avoid someone being mad at them for example, or some other emotional reason. She explains that men (generally) want to take care of, make happy, spend time with, contribute to, and protect their women. A man responds to how he's treated, so if a woman stops being receptive or criticizes him, he loses motivation to be her knight. Armstrong proposes that a woman can "turn her prince into a frog" if she treats him in the way she naturally treats the females in her life.
Gray talks about how men and women tally giving and receiving love differently (women want consistent small things not just one big act of caring), how they deal with stress differently (women want to talk about things but when men are stressed they retreat and isolate), among other ideas.
There are so many books out there at this point that will share the secrets to a happy coexistence. I think it boils down to a simple understanding -- men and women are by definition different beings.
So let's break it down. While it is true that not all men are the same or want the same things, and not all women are the same and want the same things, there are some very basic differences that show up across cultures and upbringings. I've seen it where the guy sometimes will have the more stereotypical female traits and vice versa, but generally partners end up with someone who sees and experiences the world very differently than themselves.
People generally marry someone who is their foil in so many ways. Whether its this psychoanalytically understood "attachment reenactment" where someone (often subconsciously) marries their partner to recreate and resolve old childhood wounds, or just simply that opposites attract, it would be boring to marry someone exactly like you. Because this is true, you have to realize that you'll likely end up with someone who doesn't speak the same "language" as you.
So let's break it down. While it is true that not all men are the same or want the same things, and not all women are the same and want the same things, there are some very basic differences that show up across cultures and upbringings. I've seen it where the guy sometimes will have the more stereotypical female traits and vice versa, but generally partners end up with someone who sees and experiences the world very differently than themselves.
People generally marry someone who is their foil in so many ways. Whether its this psychoanalytically understood "attachment reenactment" where someone (often subconsciously) marries their partner to recreate and resolve old childhood wounds, or just simply that opposites attract, it would be boring to marry someone exactly like you. Because this is true, you have to realize that you'll likely end up with someone who doesn't speak the same "language" as you.
The more we understand the opposite sex, the better we can get along with and support them.
Male and female realities are often very different:
- They give and receive love differently.
- Most stereotypical men lean towards showing love via physical touch, acts of service, and problem solving
- Women show love through words of affirmation, quality time and emotional nurturing.
- They process emotions differently.
- Men are generally socialized to suppress emotions and/or manage them privately
- Women express and process emotions more openly and seek connection and verbal processing to feel better
- They communicate differently.
- Men tend to be more solution-focused
- Women are process-focused, and they can walk through emotions without needing a solution, just empathy and presence
- The conflict/connection dance is different between genders.
- Men generally shut down and withdraw in the face of conflict
- Women often push for further connection and conversation
- Their validation needs differ.
- Men feel loved when they're respected, appreciated, and admired for what they do
- Women tend to feel loved when they are seen, heard, and understood for what they are
Of course, these are all stereotypes, and you may find men and women that take on the more stereotypical male or female opposite tendencies. These patterns are influenced too by culture, upbringing, and personality, not just sex/gender.
The important piece to remember though, is that no matter what side of the fence you find yourself on, you're not looking across the table at someone of the opposite gender that in general thinks like you. He or she is seeing the world through a different kaleidoscope if you will, a different set of rules, different needs, a different coding language. Act accordingly -- ask questions, don't make assumptions, be curious, learn what s/he needs or wants.
