Love at First Fight

People don't talk about the challenges of marriage. From the disagreements (that are present in every relationship!), to the learning a new dance and balancing new responsibilities. All my friends who got married years before me just said, "Marriage is so great!" Now that I'm married (and trying to eradicate the stigma of imperfection as much as I can) and I'm talking about the challenges I see, the same friends are saying things like "Yeah, the first while I was married I thought I'd made a mistake and married the wrong person."

Life isn't easy. It's hard work. But anything worthwhile is going to be difficult. No matter how well you know your spouse before you get married (and usually it isn't very well in frum circles), the game changes when you live with someone, when this person becomes your family.

It's normal to fight. I've heard stories about couples who thought their marriage was headed for divorce when they had their first fight. Disagreements are part of this beautiful mess; it's in the very fabric of relationships. Really if there is no disagreeing there is apathy, and apathy is the opposite of love and passion. No matter how similar two people may be (and most of the time spouses aren't that similar, they "work" as a couple because they compliment each other), they will not agree all the time. Perhaps it's not even about agreeing about something, but one person does something the other person takes offense at. There's a big learning curve.

As you live together you learn each others' sore spots and ways of being (for a lack of better terminology). When he raises his voice it might not mean he's upset, maybe he's just excited. It's easy to take so many things personally, but most of the time it's really not about you. He might be upset and withdraw, but often it's not about her. It's likely something outside the marriage that is bothering him. When she takes it personally, and he doesn't have the presence of mind to let her know he's not upset at her but upset at something else, it creeps into the marriage and can drive a wedge.

Communication is key. Always.

It's not always easy to talk about things though, but it's always a good practice to not let things fester however hard it is to talk about.