Love at First Fight

People don't talk about the challenges of marriage. From the disagreements (that are present in every relationship!), to the learning a new dance and balancing new responsibilities. All my friends who got married years before me just said, "Marriage is so great!" Now that I'm married (and trying to eradicate the stigma of imperfection as much as I can) and I'm talking about the challenges I see, the same friends are saying things like "Yeah, the first while I was married I thought I'd made a mistake and married the wrong person."

Life isn't easy. It's hard work. But anything worthwhile is going to be difficult. No matter how well you know your spouse before you get married (and usually it isn't very well in frum circles), the game changes when you live with someone, when this person becomes your family.

It's normal to fight. I've heard stories about couples who thought their marriage was headed for divorce when they had their first fight. Disagreements are part of this beautiful mess; it's in the very fabric of relationships. Really if there is no disagreeing there is apathy, and apathy is the opposite of love and passion. No matter how similar two people may be (and most of the time spouses aren't that similar, they "work" as a couple because they compliment each other), they will not agree all the time. Perhaps it's not even about agreeing about something, but one person does something the other person takes offense at. There's a big learning curve.

As you live together you learn each others' sore spots and ways of being (for a lack of better terminology). When he raises his voice it might not mean he's upset, maybe he's just excited. It's easy to take so many things personally, but most of the time it's really not about you. He might be upset and withdraw, but often it's not about her. It's likely something outside the marriage that is bothering him. When she takes it personally, and he doesn't have the presence of mind to let her know he's not upset at her but upset at something else, it creeps into the marriage and can drive a wedge.

Communication is key. Always.

It's not always easy to talk about things though, but it's always a good practice to not let things fester however hard it is to talk about.

Yield

Autopilot off. 

It's new and it's familiar all at once. I know how to drive, but now I'm driving a car with two steering wheels. It's a new task, one to which I can apply skills I already have...if I'm willing to tweak them, and to be patient with the learning curve.

Getting married older has so many advantages (perhaps more on that another time), but it also has its challenges. Like everything in life. There's a way of living that developed by having only me to take care of, and be responsible for, for all those years. There was a comfort in that. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to share my life with someone. I'm ecstatic to have someone to give to. It's just different.

We're born essentially selfish. As a baby, we're conditioned to take, to receive. Our life depends on it. As we become adults we learn how to give and how to help others. We figure out our place in the world. As an older single, we learn how to take care of ourselves. How essential that is. We develop patterns in our lives based around our needs. It is survival.

The longer you do something, the more ingrained it becomes. And so I have to readjust my mirrors and change my seat position. The focus is different. The driving is different.

As I yield, leaning into the turn as the lanes merge, I'm met with a euphoria. Finally, I get to share my ride. It's no longer a lonely bumpy road. It's not a gallop into the sunset either, mind you. It's a lesson in patience, in hard work, emotional work sometimes, but it's worth it.

Ride with me, and we can explore the road together.