It’s Not Your Fault if Someone Hurts You

With regards to relationships, we talk a lot about trust. Earning it. Breaking it. Rebuilding it. But there’s something we don’t say enough:

If you trust someone who ends up hurting you, that’s not your fault.

Let me say that again, in case you need to hear it louder:

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are allowed to trust people. You are allowed to believe someone when they tell you they care about you. You are allowed to lean into closeness, to choose connection, to give someone access to your heart without being blamed later for their betrayal.

I have a client who started dating someone and really wanted to build something meaningful with her. But early in their relationship, he found out she had been talking to other guys in ways that felt flirtatious and crossed boundaries. When he brought it up, she told him she just believed guys and girls could be close friends, and she hadn’t really thought it was a big deal.

It was a big deal to him. It hurt. It wasn't aligned with his relationship values.

But they kept talking. She listened. And as their relationship grew more serious, she began to make changes—on her own. She stopped communicating with those guys, unfollowed and/or blocked them, and began checking in with him when one of them reached out. She even offered to give him her phone password—not because he asked, but because she wanted him to feel safe again.

She’s done a lot to earn his trust back. But even now, months later, he still struggles.

Because she hurt him once, and now he lives in fear of it happening again. That fear—though understandable—is getting in the way of their connection. It’s keeping one foot in the door, just in case. It’s making it hard for him to believe that she won’t do it again, even though she’s shown every sign of growth and commitment.

This is the trap of broken trust: we start believing that if we hurt, it must be because we weren’t careful enough. That maybe we should have guarded our heart more. That next time, we won’t be so easily fooled.

But that kind of thinking doesn’t protect us. It just punishes us for being human.

Because here’s the truth: If someone hasn’t given you a reason not to trust them, you don’t owe them suspicion.

And even if they once did break your trust—but have since done the work to rebuild it—you get to decide whether you want to stay, and if you stay, how to let yourself live fully in that choice. Even more so if others in your life caused you to build this narrative and belief that you can't trust people, don't apply that as a general rule.

You don’t have to keep bracing for betrayal just to prove you’re strong. You’re not weak for trusting. You’re not naive for believing someone can change. You’re not foolish for choosing to love.

If someone breaks your heart, the pain is real, but the blame is not yours to carry.

So let me give you permission—

To trust. To hope. To love. Even when there’s risk involved.

To stay soft even after being hurt. And to stop punishing yourself for what someone else chose to do.

You deserve connection.

You deserve peace.

You deserve to stop questioning whether it was your fault.

It wasn’t.